Half Broken........ just like everyone!

Half Broken!

Hey! I am Kavya Mathur, the one from ‘unknown relationship’ if you remember. Yeah! The one you all loved and before you remember Kartik, he is doing fine too.

Today, I am here to share some more parts of me that will always live with like forever (although forever isn’t my type of word).  Teenage, the weirdest phase of my life, of everyone’s, where we all were broken and were trying to fix ourselves either with love or hate or fear or anxiety or depression.  I was watching the last season of the series, thirteen reasons why, that a lot people think is too depressing to watch but still a lot of us watched it.

Although our high school was never about killing, hiding, dying inside but we still were broken like we all needed to be healed some days back. I was one of those kids who used to be quite more of the time but loved to speak up with my friends standing at my back. When my high school started, one of my girlfriend was too sweet and so she got involved with the others keeping me with her so basically we both entered into a whole new group of friends that included like too intelligent kids and it was really tough for me to get engaged with them all but I tried because I was a teenager and that’s what a teenager does. Being honest I never got comfortable in that big fat friendly but not so friendly friends group. I made two more good friends along with my old one and we were like a small family in that joint family. Everything was like good, we all decided to manage ourselves anyhow and we did very well. Still somewhere inside, I was feeling like I never belonged to them, to those who were like toppers, who used to talk like intelligence and I was just having my personal mess to deal with like family dramas. It was way too tough to live then just imagining what exactly I used to see at home and then pretending being happy and competitive at school. Looking at the kids I started being something that I wasn’t, like before I never craved for marks but now with new people I unintentionally started and by the end of my high ­­­school everyone started expecting a lot from me that included me as well. I forgot that whatever I am now was all a mask to survive the high school.  In the race to be known in the school I lost many things that made me broken, half broken. You must be thinking that what the hell is this half broken. Well I was just, half broken. I had friends wearing half masks and my family being half happy. It wasn’t ­­­just me or other kids but also our family that suffered in our teenage.

I was half broken because I started losing friends from my small group, I mean my best buddies. It all started when one of them was crying who saw the death of the dear ones (lover) and instead of hugging me she found someone else’s shoulder more comfortable. I never talked about it to that person because I thought that maybe I am not enough of me for them now, so I started grating myself again to hike my grades again in the hope to get it all back but I was wrong. The more I was trying to be new the more I was losing them all and I wished to do nothing to stop it not even a small talk to them. I just walked away and started painting myself like an idiot who wanted to be known in the high school times. By the end of the first year of my high school I lost my half friends and my half self. I was into studies just to be with those fat group kids and that was enough to raise everyone’s expectations including myself. I coated myself as something really beautiful that I wasn’t actually. I mean I never really wanted to be a doctor but still I wanted because that’s how everyone used to see me. My family was really a mess like a one-o-one mess. I saw almost a death, I saw the fire fights, I saw everyone hating being in a single room and seeing each other’s faces and then me going back to school with having no one to talk about and it was really a fucking mess and I know it wasn’t just me but neither all, someone of you who are reading may find it like, half or half of half similar to yours. I used the half broken because I was being called a slut by half of my friends and then I was also known as sunshine by many. I was being called the third person by half of them and then other half called me the ‘only one’. I was fixing my family and they were also fixing it up with me like half and half. I saw the rain falling drop by drop and then the sun on the other half side. I saw the moon in the night with no stars shining bright and I was dealing with all of this being all alone. I suffered teasing and told no one because I thought no one will care about it. I was laughing in pain and was crying in happiness. I was sleeping with open eye and used to wake up with closed eyes in the hope not to see any bad again. I was also having like thousands of crushes and I proposed one of them that too on my birthday and then I was being rejected at first and secondly everyone got to knew this and I was like being seen as a rejection.  By the time of the half high school, I found a boy best friend and yeah as the older generation says, “ek ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte” believe me at first I felt it a shit too but then I messed it up! I fell in love with him and we had a major history with many secrets hidden and many being revealed in one or another way and my everything in high school ended up being half. Half friendships, half rejections, half family, half love and half me who was looking for someone to hold it and stretch it to the other half!

We all have this thing or other in our past and many must haven’t recovered yet because we learn and grow with the scars and the brightness that we all make in our teen days. I too have some of them still breathing in me and that’s why failed to have friends by my side. But I don’t regret it all. I am happy and I am growing and looking for more to live with and for.