The feeling of mess!

                                  The Feeling Of Mess!

                      

It was all bright sunlight when I realized the feeling of your presence that was totally different from others. I could easily felt the feeling of being special to you or being just yours or being in your shade. Into that depth of friendship with these unknown growing feelings it was becoming more and more special part of me. It was becoming easy and comfortable to confront the feelings for you and to accept that lovely and blissful me around you. The beauty of this bond and feeling was more special because you too felt the same; we both were in the same boat of this blessed feeling. It was becoming more and more special and it was becoming difficult to deal with. And we often started fighting and the more we started fighting over this same beautiful 'feeling' again and again it was becoming some kind of burden to me. Every time we have this issue of being together and not wanting any named relation because we wanted out friendship to be alive if this unknown feeling will die someday. I know that things happen and if the two wants to be together they find the way out of it and somehow we did the same every time we had a fight over this. But for me this mess made the things even more complicated than before as it was becoming difficult to hold on this fight for long and not talking to each other for a long while because you always needed a long time break and that always killed me. The argument over the same topic of love and feelings in the relation of 'dosti' made differences between us. The differences that I was always afraid of because you were special to me and still you are with a little bit of more care and difference from others. this everyday argument started making me think of us and those differences of you from others seemed to be no different.  The difference of being different among my all friends, no more my top special friend, no more being a topper of my priority list. I don’t know when it all happened but it does eventually and I don’t have anything else to say except- ‘it is what it is and I am sorry’.

When I was trying to meet you and to reunite us again with another stronger bond. The road I walked to meet you, in that while someone crossed my way and I did not stop him to either. That was the first time when someone’s presence in between us didn’t make me furious instead his presence was giving me more relief. I guess I just wanted a break from us and therefore someone else’s presence was making me feel good. I stopped there with that person and we talked, we laughed and we shared some more of us. The presence of someone new made me remember of you for once and that moment my heart asked me to walk again on the road that lead me to you but something was holding me back again and again and I felt like just a more minute. I don’t know what was that but it was something similar to you, something made me feel like it is  not just you, I can feel this way for someone else and you are no special. The feelings were again the mess for me. I felt somewhat the same way I feel for you. The same happiness, the same stupidity, the same laugh and the same level of comfort. I tried my every hard upto my edges but still walking towards you became more and more difficult for me but the feeling for you was still the same. I knew that what we had before is still breathing inside us, that us still is special but the thought of fighting again stopped me to take a step towards you. See! How messed I am and how much I needed you but you were not there and I missed you. The beautiful feeling that took birth inside me for you still live with the same ambitions and desire but it was the time to accept the fact of feeling something for that someone new. Yes! I started liking him too and the bond with him was also special to me. I was not able to choose that what and whom I wanted. It was hard or even the hardest thing to not to think about and just believe in the say –‘go with the flow’. Every second I was thinking that why I am so doing this? Is it fine to feel this way? Am I hurting any of them? Am I hurting myself? Am I doing right? Is my heart is feeling good to feel for two people same way at th very same time?

"I had so many of questions arising inside me and found no one to explain me. I knew it before that I am the one who can make it out but I was out of my senses. Someone asked me to choose one or else I will do wrong to both of them and not to take much of time. Choosing was difficult for me as I never expressed myself to any of them.  One was unaware of the thing that our pointless fights has made difference between us, and the feelings were messed. On the other side the new person with whom I shared a bond of something pure, never thought of me being his. It was complicated and mess with my first but was beautiful and peaceful. They both felt for me and I  felt for both of them. I decided not to think anymore over this and just go with the flow once again and to get into this complication till it gets end itself."

So I walked the road again that was going towards you along with that someone new because somewhere I knew I want to choose you.

(zara sa hi sahi pr ek dafa kuch ishara to kr aey dil ki kis ko chodu or kisko thamu.)