After the last call.

                       After the last call.

                                      After the last text:-

‘After the last text.’ That last call and that last text of the conversation ending with 'bye'. What was the meaning of that just bye? Was that the same bye that we had always said whenever we were going through the hurdles when we went through some misunderstanding or when we had some past issues and never discussed before or was it the last and the final bye that should have ended with 'goodbye'. What was that? Why was that? When we get that apart that we needed to say bye in the way of ending everything we had? What was the thing that went wrong? Why you did not tell me before or at the time when you started feeling something like that? What so ever it was but this last text of bye was throbbing and I wanted to know why this text was again? Was I supposed to let it be the way it is or should I have done something? Why I got that text from you again? Why just do not you leave at once if you really want to? It was not for the first time when we had got through something and had some stress between us but this bye text was something different something more like it is going to end us forever. I wish I could hold my heart upto this level so that I could ask it to stop crying so hard inside.

We have gone through many ups and downs but this time it felt something different. For the first that last call made me feel something weird. The kind of feelings I never had before. I felt something even more. I knew it before that no matter what the situation is I will choose to stay with you by your side because I love you but that last call was something more different, kind of undifferentiable where I could feel something but nit able to describe it inn words or even not able to tell myself that what it is? What am I feeling this time? Why I am not feeling that love feelings I always had for you? It was something more than love, something I have never felt before, something that was making me feel broken and happy at the very same time and that day I was feeling lost because I could not even tell anyone so that I will be able to realize what it is as I myself was not having any words to portrait that very whole mess, the mess my life is all about. That very day I realized that what I had for you was not just love but was a composition of every human element that define them and that includes faith, friendship, care, happiness, sorrow, fight, ego, and love and everything that does not have words or cannot be explained. Things started being different from that day, the day you said just bye to me, the day I started something else too. Everything turned to be waste like nothing belongs to me, everything has a feeling of being not mine like nothing ever belonged to me. Nothing was excited anymore. Every colourful memory started fading with no colour left to make me happy enough. Noting was going through my head these days and no feeling crossed my veins except the one after the last call that I was trying to categories, my feelings that were craving to be categorise and started following me into my dreams and all I was doing was trying to escape everything that belonged to you because that very time I needed myself to be stable to deal with my own darkness whom I gave birth while accepting us this way where we shared every couple moment but in actual we were not. That decision was still haunting me because I always had this thought of you saying the half goodbye. Every morning tea has this question that what else this feeling is and every night dream has the question that why I accepted us this way, middle of nowhere. Days were passing by and my every tea and dream has that questioned face and my soul was asking for some peace (the peace that I myself had forgotten the meaning of). I was totally in a mess but I needed some rest so I skipped myself from every stuff (I skipped by getting more and more involved into a lot of work). But one day I realized that I do not need rest I needed some answers that my soul was asking me every day therefore I started getting into my morning teas and night dreams. I did not stop my heart to question me everything it has inside and I did not let my mind to interfere into this mess as well because my mind has no job to do into this mess. What was different this time? This time I was ready to face them again,  I was all ready to listen what my heart was having since the day you left that note and never come back till this date. I was strong enough to let you and you memories to be filled with those colours again because somewhere I knew if I want peace I have to let you in for the one more time. You know what remained same? My love for you that love was still breathing in me, in my every piece. And you know what was different? It was that same unknown feeling that I started feeling for you and that feeling was no more a thing I wanted to escape instead I wanted them to appear again and again so that I can be its friend in the hope of it being answered itself. After so many of days and self-argument I reached a point where I found a little piece of my inner peace and that was a relief point for me.

At last I realized that the feelings were not just love but was the true and pure soulful love that wanted nothing in return but just your happiness and smile on your lovely face that I always admired. Every small piece of me loved you and when I tried not to my soul always screamed to do so even with much more intensity than before. After you were gone it was not just my heart that was into pain but every piece of me was in sorrow even the peaceful sleep became the cause of bad dreams leading me back to the restless condition where I needed nothing but just you to clear my confused feelings and those unnamed thoughts. I missed you every day and every seconds and I always do miss you and want you to be around but somewhere I knew that you were missing me too but I was in no hope of holding our messed bond back again and again because that feeling of sorrow I felt this time was more painful and even hard to express to myself too and it was powerfully imprinted into my head, heart and pulses. I was broken totally and felt just loneliness that was killing my inner happiness and more often I found myself in tears rolling through my cheeks and was asking me to stop to roll even more. The day after that call and after a few days of that hard depression,  I realized that how it feels when the cause of your breakdown is love, the true love that always gave you the strength and inner peace and that made us feel everything is perfect. I do not have any complain because somewhere it was written to be done this way as every story has an end no matter what way it ends. It’s okay if you do not miss me or miss me the same way I do or different. I know and I hope you will forget me someday and sooner if we are on the edge of end this very time. This time I do not know why I feel like just letting you go. I do not have anything to say but I just want to let you know that if you think of me still being there where you left, where you said that half goodbye with lots of question marks and never tried to show up then I would say that you won't find anyone standing there for you anymore no matter how much you miss me or want me. This does not mean I have lost the feelings of love and care and friendship for you but I have lost the trust and faith in you in me in us as well. Therefore I decided to leave and move on from the place where I had the memories of yours and started to heal and so I will one day soon and so I am no more into your square and I will definitely not be in until you ask me to be in. I know you want me to be but sometimes I need to know why? And sometimes I do not want to be treated like for being used as granted. I am a piece of happiness and I want to be grown even more every time and want to have a peaceful home.

And if you believe in being me yours till eternity, till the time comes to the end and want me to hold even after the time will say us goodbye then I am waiting you to come out of your square and see the world with me, holding me, looking into my eyes and letting me into your soul to earn your darkest secret so that we will not be only the part of each other’s sunrise but we will share the our darkest nights. That what love and lovers does and so we will make it till the end…

Ps: Do not let the time say, ‘I am no more into your hands I am sorry!’